


TAINTED RAILS

by monbooboo



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Comforting, M/M, No Romance, Sad Lim Changkyun | I.M, Short One Shot, Subways, Suicide Attempt, inspired by deadpool, mentions of abuse, shownu being uwu, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 19:20:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16540607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monbooboo/pseuds/monbooboo
Summary: "For once, Changkyun was glad he didn’t feel the coldness of those tainted rails."





	TAINTED RAILS

The silver rails were tainted with grey-black scratches, the simplest details were so interesting to the ravenette. Changkyun felt the cold breeze hit him from behind, the stairwell allowing itself to be stepped on by strangers. The dirty soles stained the concrete, smearing the grey with a filthy brown. When he walked down, Changkyun didn't think of anything else but that. How something just stood still, no emotions and no movements. It was as if he cared about the feelings of fucking stairs. That was ten minutes ago, now he had moved past the steps and onto the platform. The dirty yellow line was behind him by a few centimetres, his toes placed neatly on the edge of the platform. It was one small puff; one push and he would fall.

It had come to this. All this time he had endured the pain, the negative scrutiny he received from his peers and even his own parents. To have their disappointment and taunt burn his soul and embed his body with their physical disgust. Looking down at his exposed arms, Changkyun almost felt like vomiting. The contusion was a mix of a faint matte purple and a grey blue, a big clot of an intense purple placed in the small corners of his marks. His own complexion seemed yellow with the combination of faint colours, if his complexion was even possible to see. The abundance of bruises became his skin colour, his neck being the only ‘clean’ area of his body. Dragging his sleeve down to cover his shame, he looked at the clock on the other side of the metro.

11.00PM

He had a good hour ahead of him before the train would arrive, Changkyun needed to be sure of his decision. Cold sweat dripped down his neck, a cooling sensation leaving its trace. His hands were fiddling with the thick material of his sweater, a piece of thread underneath his nail. The empty metro gave him a frightening visit of his own mind, the voice telling him all the benefits of doing so. He had already failed three times, but this was different from those attempts. This time he could actually be killed. The impact would be impossible to recover from, but that is why he was doing this. The pills didn’t help, he was found too fast. 

“I’m sure, it’s for everyone’s best.” A mumbled to himself, his throat getting smaller and making it painful to breath. Blame it on the dirty air of the underground metro, the only audible sound being his exhales. The air would freeze his breath, a haunting grey colouring it before vanishing into nothing. Saying those words to himself made him even more sure of his decision, he didn’t want to be a burden any longer. Isn’t that why he was always hit? Changkyun didn’t move one inch from his current position; it was as if he wanted to spare his last motions on jumping in front of the train.

“You came too early, kid.” A deep voice stated behind him, almost making Changkyun fall from the scare. Regaining his balance again, he looked to his side and saw the owner of the voice. He was quite tall and buff, his skin a natural bronze. His brown hair had hints of grey, bringing out his tan skin and his dark brows. Changkyun found him attractive, but that is also the reason for his bruises. If he only could find girls as beautiful as him.

Changkyun only shrugged his shoulders and broke the eye-contact. For some reason, the presence was intimidating. The small light above him reflected onto the stranger’s skin, a strong glow highlighting his cheeks. 10 seconds of the predicted silence didn’t happen before the stranger spoke again. “You should back up a little, we don’t want an accident now do we?” “I’m fine right here.” Changkyun replied with the least amount of interest he could muster, all he wanted was to wait for the train ALONE. The stranger got closer to him, the unnerving proximity scaring the young boy even more. 

“Standing so close will get you extremely hurt, you should stand behind the yellow line.” He suggested, making Changkyun roll his eyes. Did he work here or something, why did he care so much? The younger refused to move from his spot, no matter how much he wanted to. It was as if his mind ordered his body to stay there, moving would imply that he wouldn’t jump. His own mind wanted him to jump. Imagine, being so depraved and loathing that your brain doesn’t even want to convince you to live. 

“Leave me alone, you don’t know me. Why do you care so much then?” Changkyun answered as politely as he could, playing with the hem of his shirt. His sleeve rolled up slightly and before he could drag it back down, the stranger had already seen it. Great, now he would be given the speech. The “you don’t have to do this”, “there are people who’ll miss you” and “suicide isn’t the best option.” The empty consoling words never had an effect on anyone, it was like talking to air. All he needed was those words to roll out of his doll-like lips. Hell, Changkyun had already planned his retaliation. 

“Want to eat something first? I brought bread.” What? Huh? Did he just hear it correctly? No, it had to be misheard. The younger turned to the bronze boy and the evident confusion in his face was like that of a puppy’s. As he watched the stranger open his backpack and the sound of the wrapping paper became louder as he pulled it out, he kept thinking. Why didn’t he mention the bruises? Didn’t he put two and two together? Maybe he’s just dumb.

Shaking his head at the offer, he stared at the tainted rails while his ears listened to the wrapping open up and the sound of it crunching together. “I’m Hyunboo, you?” The stranger, or Hyuboo, spoke and Changkyun tried to avoid laughing. Talking with his mouth open, disgusting. “Changkyun. Is it Hyunboo or Hyunwoo?” He asked with a menacing smile, the other nodded with a shy smile.

“Sorry, it’s a bad habit of mine. It’s Hyunwoo, yeah.” The older clarified, staring at the same tainted rails as the ones who Changkyun couldn’t wait to feel. The cold metal against his cheek, the dirt being transferred to his skin. He couldn’t wait. “Y’know, I was in your position a few years back.” Hyunwoo spoke without letting his eyes move from their current spot. Changkyun was ready to hear the lies, the disrespecting lies that sounded like jokes. 

Wanting to kill yourself isn’t a joke.

“Really, now?” Changkyun muttered with every bit of malicious irony he had in his bones. A guilty pit in his stomach formed when he heard how obnoxious he sounded, how dare he assume he was the only one struggling? But he was so used to be the only one, the lone wolf. “Yeah, it was a dark time. I was struggling financially, my PTSD got worse and I don’t think I left the house for a good three years. I only left once, and it was to the highway.” Hyunwoo’s dark words seemed to roll off his tongue too easily, why?

“I remember standing in the middle of the road, there weren’t that many cars driving. I just waited for one car to drive over me, to end the pain. Isn’t that why we want to do it? To end the pain?” Hyunwoo asked and Changkyun didn’t really know what to say. Does he answer or was it a rhetorical question? Judging by the silence, he guessed it wasn’t. Clearing his voice, and head, he tried to answer. 

“I guess, it does lift a weight off one’s shoulder. But why are you still alive then, if you nearly wanted to end your life years ago?” Changkyun retaliated with a question, not sure if he was threading on deep water. Playing with his feet, he looked at the clock again. 11.06PM. He still had time. That is, if Hyunwoo would leave him alone. 

“It was my own suicidal mind that saved me. Standing on that highway made me think of all the people that tried their best for me. The people who tried to help me, motivate me when I couldn’t motivate myself. I also realized that was the first time I left the house, and I felt accomplished. I just couldn’t do it. Seeing you also thinking of doing what I wanted to do, I see myself in you. Is there anything I can do to help you?”

No.

There really wasn’t anything that could be done. He was already shunned by his family and he had no one anymore. Church wasn’t a safe place like they promised it would be, and what even is a friend in his situation? It was all a hopeless pit and he had dug himself too deep, he could impossibly go back to the surface again. Changkyun didn’t respond, his silence was confirmation enough. A tight grip around his wrist took him off guard and before he knew it, he was dragged by Hyunwoo out of the metro and back into the real world. 

“Let me go, for fuck’s sake!” Changkyun screamed, but Hyunwoo refused to listen. No matter how hard Changkyun tried, it was as if the elder’s hands were chains; impossible to break free from. The city lights were a dark orange, the light illuminated the darkness in the city of Seoul. Hyunwoo didn’t let the younger admire the last piece of Seoul he would emblazon in his mind, he was too busy dragging him to a…lock smith?

Changkyun’s feet were lingering back to the hardness of the metro concrete, the pavement he was now standing on was too safe. Looking through the windows, the younger was unimpressed. “And we are here because?” Changkyun asked annoyed, out of all the people he had to meet today it had to be this dude. Hyunwoo still didn’t let go of his grip, instead he softened his look and a closed smile showed up. It seemed sincere, but it felt like the sincerity came with an abundance of pain. 

“Mr. Seo helped me get a stable job after the day I attempted to take my own life. He helped me find a job that paid enough and aided me when I had mental breakdowns. Mr. Seo had to close down his store, but he decided to retire and now spends his life with his grandchildren and daughter.” Hyunwoo explained, and Changkyun couldn’t be less interested even if he tried. It had nothing to do with him, his life had no effect on this supposed Mr. Seo.

Hyunwoo looked at Changkyun and for the first time, in a long time, Changkyun felt pitied for. The elder’s eyes were slightly bigger, his brown orbs holding the pity the world had stored away from Changkyun. His lips were perfectly shaped like a doll’s, his cupid’s bow accentuating the beauty inside him. “I understand this must be tough for you now, and you may think people don’t care about you. I was where you were, and I know ending your life might seem like the only option.”

“It’s my only option.”

“No, it’s the option you choose. I get that when you get treated poorly, that’s how you end up perceiving everyone. But, and be honest, if I was like everyone else…would I even be taking you here and tell you everything I’m telling you right now?” Hyunwoo asked and his voice had a fatherly tone, the tone Changkyun had grown to be afraid of. The tone who yelled that he was a disgrace, his heavy hand colliding with Changkyun’s chest. 

It still hurt. 

They were standing outside the metro station , the tension between them was merely non-existent. The time was already 11.55, they spent the time walking around the city despite only meeting an hour ago. It was calming, it was easy to open up to the elder about his problems. Changkyun didn’t feel compelled to lie, to tell him a lie behind a forced smile. 

“I just don’t know what to do, hyung. I don’t want to go home, but I have nowhere else to go.” Changkyun said hopelessly, because he really didn’t know. The air was getting crisper, the frost had stuck to Changkyun’s cheeks and an opaque red had decorated his pale cheeks. The sky was a burgundy red with a deep orange undertone, acting as a canvas to the bright stars. 

Hyunwoo placed his hand on the younger’s back, rubbing in small circles. “I know it might seem scary now, and that it looks bad right now. But like the stars on the sky, there is always a small glimmer of light in a big space of darkness. I can’t force you to go to a therapist or even to the hospital, it’ll only make it worse.” He was so honest, but it was the honesty that didn’t leave Changkyun blue, both physically and emotionally. It was a comforting honesty, his way of conveying his emotions made Changkyun feel validated.

A feeling he hadn’t tasted for months. 

“It’s late, you should get home. But, in case you want to get away for a bit.” Hyunwoo handed Changkyun his phone, and the younger didn’t hesitate with putting his digits in. As much as he didn’t want to get his hopes up, but he grabbed the opportunity given to him. Hyunwoo might be older than him by a few years, but he left Changkyun feeling what his parents used to make him feel. Giving him his phone back, Hyunwoo smiled and gave a firm nod. 

“My train’s leaving soon, I’ll be going. Remember, I’m here if you need me.” Were his last words before he scurried down those filthy stairs, his silhouette disappearing into the dark abyss of the metro underground. Changkyun smiled as he watched him vanish, turning his feet to go home. It was a thought he never imagined would cross his mind, to go home. 

As he stood outside his house, he tried to remember everything Hyunwoo told him about living and why it was worth it. He made Changkyun realize that there were emotions he had yet to experience, places he still needed to see and most of all, people to meet. The last must’ve been a start, he met Hyunwoo. 

For once, Changkyun was glad he didn’t feel the coldness of those tainted rails.


End file.
